...that people Google some seriously fucked up things.
I installed Google Analytics on my blog a little ways back and it is unbelievably amusing to see how people get to my blog.
First of all, I'm convinced that 99% of the people who end up here find me because they're trying to cheat on their homework with one of my book reviews. Kids, you'll never amount to anything if you don't read and write your own reports. Quit Googling for book reports and read your books, eat your veggies, and say no to drugs...oh, and abstinence rules (or at least I'm trying to make my dry spell not so terrible). Incidentally, I am so very far behind on my reading list. I love going back and reading the classics, but my God they take forever to get through.
Now, I would put these next few under the heading of Bad Parenting:
- "fuck flu" - okay, this one is partially my fault. After a riveting Gmail chat chronicled here, I said I had the fuck flu, not remotely realizing that this meant being HIV positive. I am not HIV positive, do not have AIDS. I just had the flu. The scary thing about this is that it has been Googled 17 times. I'm very sorry for those of you who have the fuck flu. I also received several emails basically yelling at me for making light of their situation - to which I replied "I had no idea and I'm sorry for your illness, but not for being naive."
- "drinking brings people together" - I can't really argue with this one.
- "I gave my 3 year old shrimp and he threw up" - I don't know if three year old's can have shrimp or not, I don't see why they wouldn't be able to, but how that relates to this post is actually kind of amusing. I also find it funny that some worried mother was probably Googling to help her kid and ended up reading about my night of drunken debauchery. Sorry mom.
- "I fuck my younger cousin" - Really? I have no idea why my blog comes up when you do a yahoo search for this. I have never, and will never have sex with any of my cousins. May God have mercy on your soul.
I like to think of this next batch as
Crappy Dating Advice. These people should give up rather than continue on these searches:
- "dating a nerd really awkward" and "nerds bad in bed?" - Oh boy. Googling these phrases will get you to this post where you assholes tried to get me to go to Dating for Nerds. I didn't go. Thank God.
- "tall dark italian plenty of fish" - I can only assume that this came from my post about my online dating woes here and here. What makes this even worse is that this exact phrase was Googled twice.
- "he hugs me when i sleep" and "thinks I'm sleeping" - Obviously goes to that one post where I spilled my one night of actual intimacy. Clearly, I'm a horrible person to give dating advice since I've only had one.
Random searches that make me laugh:- "Is there shrimp in pepperoni's?" - Someone actually Googled this. Wow.
- "Popcorn shrimp sick next day" - A lot of people and kids apparently get sick eating shrimp and Google their symptoms. I hope they don't go to Web MD like I did when I had my kidney infection and Web MD told me I had kidney cancer, a brain tumor, or herpes. Apparently anything can be a symptom of herpes. (Note: I don't have kidney cancer, a brain tumor, or herpes but I may have an aortic aneurysm at any time).
- "bend me over" - clearly referring to this post where I had a "heeeeyyyyy" moment in the office deli. Random cute guy behind the counter is no longer there. Sad.
- "holiday sweatpants" and "i love my family" - I love that people are trying to jump on the holiday family sweatpants bandwagon - it's wonderful.
Anyway, there are a lot of really funny ones but I won't post them all. Just thought you'd enjoy a sampling of how people find me. Also, whoever reads me in Georgetown, Grand Cayman is currently on my hate list because Grand Cayman is the greatest place in the world and I am insanely jealous. I used to spend a few weeks there every summer scuba diving and enjoying the beautiful beach. I haven't been there in almost four years, and it is killing me.
See, I know who reads my blog and where you're from, when you're on, how you get here and where you go when you leave me...I'm watching you. Like a creepy TSA agent at the airport. If I could dig through your luggage, I totally would.
Posts
21 comments:
"nerds bad in bed?"
One word: (or three, depending on how you look at it...) LAWL.
:)
Kate x
Bah ha ha! This made me giggle out loud. I guess I had never thought about how people find blogs. I think I found yours when I scoped out someone's list of blogs that they read. Though, if I had found it under "bend me over," I probably wouldn't admit it. ;)
Well since you probably know from your stats that I'm reading your blog this exact minute, I guess I might as well comment, no? I have Analytics on my blog too but blocked Google from letting my blog show up in search engines, so no more fun search terms for me. I had enough of that with my Wordpress blog and decided I'd rather not know how internet weirdos find my blog.
I guess I'm pretty normal since I found you through 20sb...but, why in the WORLD would anyone google the phrase, "I fuck my younger cousin"? Freaks.
Hahahahaha!! This is hilarious! I need to recheck my Analytics sometime to see where people are coming from. The fuck flu thing cracks me up!
How do u get Google analytics? It sounds hilarious!
I'm going to need to find this google analytics toy. Too funny.
That was HILARIOUS....
I needed the laugh!
thanks!
Analytics searches never get old! I get a lot of stuff like "my boyfriend is a loser" or "how do you handle getting made fun of" stuff.
I'm surprised you haven't seen "lawyers in orange socks" yet!
love it... I get creepy searches all the time. people scare me.
This is my first time reading your blog and, well, how ironic! For the record, though, I found you through a mutual follower, not a creepy Google search. You've got me curious now, I think I'll have to add Analytics to my blog...
If you have any interest in checking out my blog, I'd love to have you visit!
http://excerpts-kristin.blogspot.com/
This was great! I loved this one! How do you get the analyctics thing?! I'd be curious how people find me as well ... although I think like someone else above I have put it so I can't be searched for in google engines, but I could be mistaken! The fuck flu cracked me up! I literally "LOLed"! How ridiculous, and your response in the e-mails made me laugh even harder! Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it! :)
Ah i love it! I have some realllllly ridiculi blog post searchings and it makes my day, but also makes me a little uncomfortable knowing there are so many creepazoids out there.
@Kate - I would think you could train a nerd pretty well. Also, what is LAWL?
@Mainland Streel - THAT would be one of the few I would actually admit to :)
@December 3rd - I think I might do that too. I don't really want my blog associated with fucking younger cousins and fuck flu.
Sarah - Hooray for being normal, err, sort of?!
Sara - It's always amusing - I've been trying to check mine more.
@Jill - Google it :) All you have to do is register your page and then add the code they give you to your layout in html. Not hard at all.
@Wines Constantly - I would love to see how people get to yours.
@Pat Tillett - You're welcome! Happy to bring laughter to your day.
@Mr C - Hahaha, oh the Halloween socks...Got my St. Patty's Day ones on right now. Only I'm at work, so I doubt an interesting blog will come out of it. Never know though...
@Danielle - Google Analytics (google it!) easy to set up. Like, really easy. I only screwed it up once.
Carissa - Agreed - they are definitely funny to see, but depressing and creepy at the same time. I still can't get over that someone actually googled "are there shrimp in pepperoni's?" I mean. Really? Sad.
nerds bad in bed? HAHA..made me laugh more than "holiday sweatpants"
@JennyMac - holiday sweatpants are no laughing matter :)
Hilarious! I've noticed people getting to my blog through some crazy searches too. No idea where half these phrases even come from!
That is freaking hysterical. I must install this on my blog so I can see who is looking up what! Lurking back at the lurkers!!
Please believe when I say I found you in a normal way.. .somebody elses blog or you came to mine.. I don't know but it wasn't thru some weird search.
Those are funny, but I bet nerds aren't so bad in bed.. they probably researched best techniques and all..
You know what makes me nervous?
Google is the answer.
Not only do people have these supposed problems (not to mention dumbass questions), but they're asking Google for the answer.
Makes my head hurt almost as much as that shrimp pepperoni I just ate.
I totally had this happen to me! I wrote a story about my landlord's dogs and how the situation was fucked up. Of course, the dogs are rottweilers. Someone in the UK got to my blog by googling "how to fuck a rottweiler." I then blogged about that.
PS. I like your stuff. It's always nice to read a blog from a woman who is similarly situated!
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